DJ Joey B Presents: A Charlie Samuels Top Ten List

What's up, everyone?  Welcome to the party!  And why exactly are we throwing this party?  I'll tell you why!   This is the 500th Studious Metsimus post!  So throw your hands up in the air and wave them around as if you had no concerns!

For those of you who just crashed the party, allow me to introduce myself.  My handle is DJ Joey B and I'm here to put my spin on things.  Today, I have a special 500th post countdown for you.  If you've been listening to your Mets-related news this week, you might have an idea where this countdown is going.

Yesterday, former Mets' clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels pleaded guilty to the Queens Supreme Court, admitting that he made off with over $2 million worth of team memorabilia.  Samuels will be spared having to take a walk down the blue and orange mile, as he will not have to serve jail time for his crime.  However, as part of his punishment, he will be placed on five years probation.  He will also have to pay a total of $59,000 to the Mets, the city and the state, as well as return his collection of autographed items.  Furthermore, he has been banned for life from Citi Field, joining the tens of thousands of fans who have already decided to do the same thing.

In honor (or dishonor, in this case) of yesterday's verdict, I'd like to count down the top ten items Charlie Samuels would have sold if he was still into that "betraying trust/greed is good" thing.  This top ten pretty much spans every era in Mets history, proving that Samuels was an equal opportunity leech.

So get out your leisure suit and put on those boogie shoes.  I'm not just saying that because Charlie Samuels will try to swipe them to list them on eBay.  I'm saying it because we're ready to count things down!


Top 10 Things Charlie Samuels Would Have Sold... (...if it wasn't kinda sorta illegal for him to do)


10. Casey Stengel decoder ring

Have you ever watched old footage of Casey Stengel?  The "Old Perfessor" proved to be one of the best multi-taskers in club history, as he served as both team manager and team butcher (of the English language).  Therefore, it should come as no surprise that a Casey Stengel decoder ring would fetch quite a haul if it were to be sold.  Fans of the original Mets would scoop it up faster than you can say "Metsie, Metsie, Metsie."


9. Signed contract where M. Donald Grant sold his soul to the devil

In 2004, Cubs fans blew up the Steve Bartman ball in an attempt to change their fortunes.  Mets fans should follow suit by burning the contract signed by M. Donald Grant in which he sold his soul to Beelzebub.  The highest bidder for the parchment would get the opportunity to do just that in the hopes that erasing the name of the man who traded away Tom Seaver and was lurking behind the scenes in the Nolan Ryan deal would finally allow the Mets to record their first no-hitter (both Ryan and Seaver accomplished the feat after leaving New York) and their next Hall of Famer (Seaver is the lone player in Cooperstown wearing a Mets cap on his plaque).


8. Lee Mazzilli's game-used pants (circa 1979)

What woman in the late '70s didn't want to be in Lee Mazzilli's pants?  Unfortunately, those pants were tighter than Fred Wilpon's wallet, making it impossible for anyone other than Maz to fit in them.  Therefore, those pants would go to the woman (or man) with the highest bid.  It goes without saying that the pants would look lovely alongside that person's collection of Scott Baio posters and Leif Garrett albums.


7. Nino Espinosa's afro

Do you remember Nino Espinosa's afro?  Charlie Samuels sure did.  Trying to cash in on the latest craze of televising ballplayers' haircuts, Nino's noggin would be shaved in a televised special, with the Brillo Pad locks being sold to the fan with the deepest pockets and the weirdest fetish in recorded history.


6. Doug Sisk pitching video (on Beta)

Here's a little known fact.  Before Tom Emanski became a household name for his defensive drill videos, Doug Sisk tried to do the same with his pitching video.  Two things got in the way of this becoming a must-have video for all baseball fans.  First, although it was recorded in 1984 (when Sisk was still good), it wasn't released until the spring of 1985 (when Sisk was anything but good).  Second, it was only released on Betamax, not VHS.  As such, it has become a rare item that would net a pretty penny and would make a fine addition to anyone's collection.  (Act now and as a bonus, you'll receive the George Foster-helmed masterpiece, "Get Metsmerized", on vinyl or 8-track.)


5. Bret Saberhagen Clorox commercial

It might only be 30 seconds long, but it's half a minute of heaven.  Bret Saberhagen, who once had a squeaky clean image, was spotted doing a squeaky clean ad for Clorox Bleach soon after signing with the Mets in 1992.  Although bleach became synonymous with Saberhagen later on in his Mets career for other reasons, owning this 30-second video (which we're happy to say is NOT on Beta) will brighten anyone's day.


4. Copy of "The Worst Team Money Could Buy" w/special autograph

It's common knowledge that a book signed by its author will be more valuable than a John Hancock-less book.  But what about a book signed by one of its "characters"?  In what was sure to be a true collector's item, Charlie Samuels was looking to part with a special copy of "The Worst Team Money Could Buy", signed by Bobby Bonilla in Bob Klapisch's blood.  No tour guide should be caught dead without one.


3. Moises Alou's unused toilet paper

Prior to becoming a Met in 2007, Moises Alou admitted that he would pee on his hands to toughen his skin.  Therefore, although his pantry was full of toilet paper, he never had any use for it, choosing to use his "handy wipes" instead.  Unlike other players' memorabilia, Alou gave Samuels full permission to squeeze his Charmin from his pantry.  Samuels added a little color to the unused TP to make it a must-have for any Mets fan, especially the flatulent ones.


2. Jonathon Niese's old nose

After Jonathon Niese took plastic surgery advice from a now-former Met who has a big mole on his face, the lefty's old nose became a hot collector's item.  From Joan Rivers to Toucan Sam, celebrities from New York to Sollywood have inquired about the availability of Niese's old schnoz.  Charlie Samuels was expecting this (which is why he asked that former Met to subtly "suggest" rhinoplasty to Niese) so he could reap the benefits from selling Niese's old honker.


...and the No. 1 piece of memorabilia Charlie Samuels would have sold if it wasn't just a little bit illegal right now is...


1.  Fred Wilpon's Sandy Koufax souvenir cup

It's not a surprise that Fred Wilpon has many collectibles of his high school sweetheart.  His closet is full of Sandy Koufax Brooklyn Dodger jerseys and his night stand and medicine cabinet have their share of Sandy Koufax souvenir cups.  Although Samuels was not able to say whether or not the items were game used, he was certain the only place they were found were in Papa Smirk's night stand and medicine cabinet, right next to his collection of Sandy Koufax Kleenex boxes.

DJ Joey B Presents: Frankie Knuckles' Greatest Hits

What's up, homies? You may know me as Joey Beartran, the roving reporter and culinary expert for Studious Metsimus. But ever since I met Howie Rose during a Mets game in Texas a few weeks ago, I've begun to dream about a career in radio.

The Mets aren't currently hiring, so I decided to go into the radio business for myself as DJ Joey B. And as a bonus to you, the Studious Metsimus reader, I've decided to give you a firsthand look at my first Top Ten countdown. Today's countdown will focus on a former Met who was just traded to Milwaukee. That's right, Mets fans. I'm talking about Frankie Knuckles.

Now, in case you forgot, Frankie Knuckles is not the name of the newest character on MTV's "Jersey Shore". Rather, it is the pseudonym for Francisco Rodriguez, a nickname given to him by my colleague after he took part in last year's "Beat Your Dad-In-Law At Work" Day.

Now that Frankie Knuckles has been traded to the Milwaukee Brewers for two players to be named later, (I'm surprised they don't have names yet. Their parents are either very slow or expected to have a girl.) I'd like to present to you Frankie Knuckles' Greatest Hits (pun very much intended). These are the top ten infamous moments in Francisco Rodriguez's short Mets career.


10. Justin Maxwell Goes Grand (9/30/09)

With the season winding down and the Mets already having lost over 90 games for the first time since 2004, Frankie Knuckles was called upon to protect a two-run lead in the ninth inning against the Washington Nationals. In what was a microcosm of the Mets' lost season, K-Rod loaded up the bases with two outs, then forced in a run by walking Adam Dunn. He then found the plate and Justin Maxwell found his home run swing. Maxwell's walk-off grand slam gave the Mets their final loss of the season.


9. Second Verse, Same As The First (7/3/10)

Less than a year after his Maxwell Meltdown, it was deja vu all over again for Frankie Knuckles and the Mets. In a game started by Nationals' phenom Stephen Strasburg, it was the Mets who held a 5-3 lead going to the bottom of the ninth inning. Three walks and three hits later (including a two-run double by Adam Dunn that might have been called a walk-off grand slam had it not been for instant replay), the Nationals had the victory and K-Rod had ruined my first Mets game in Washington (yes, I was there...you can read about my experience at the game here.)


8. When A Win Feels Like A Loss (7/18/10)

In yet another game I attended (this time at AT&T Park in San Francisco), the Mets held a two-run lead over the Giants going to the bottom of the ninth inning. Of course, your fav'rit Mr. Knuckles coughed up the lead, giving up two runs in the inning. However, it should have been three runs and a loss for K-Rod and the Mets, but a blown call by home plate umpire Phil Cuzzi on what should have been Travis Ishikawa's game-winning run, gave the Mets a second chance. The Mets took advantage of Cuzzi's call, scoring a run in the tenth inning, before K-Rod got out of a self-induced jam in the bottom of the inning. We gave a courtesy cheer after K-Rod retired the final batter with the tying and winning runs on base, but it sure felt like a loss.


7. The Game Just Kept Going...And Going...And Going (4/17/10)

In one of the craziest games in recent memory, the Mets and Cardinals played to a scoreless tie through 18 innings at Busch Stadium. St. Louis had already used their entire bullpen and utility infielder Felipe Lopez (who pitched a scoreless 18th). Then they relieved their position player with another position player, Joe Mather, who promptly gave up the first run of the game in the top of the 19th inning. Enter Frankie Knuckles. He allowed St. Louis to tie the game in the bottom of the 19th. Fortunately, Mather was left in the game to pitch the 20th inning and the Mets re-took the lead. This time, K-Rod was not allowed to finish what he started, and Mike Pelfrey was brought in to record his first career save.


6. S.D.S.D. (San Diego Slam Dancing) (8/7/09)

Everth Cabrera had hit a whopping one home run in his major league career. Then he came up to bat against Frankie Knuckles with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth inning after the Padres had already tied the game. Nine pitches later, Cabrera had doubled his career home run total. Another day, another walk-off grand slam.


5. What The 'Eck Is Going On Here? (6/2/10)

Little David Eckstein, all three feet, six inches of him (give or take a few inches) was the Padres' last chance when he batted against Frankie Knuckles with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning in a game led by the Mets, 1-0. K-Rod had just struck out the previous two batters (Matt Stairs, Jerry Hairston) with the tying run in scoring position. First pitch to Eckstein, strike one. Second pitch, strike two. Third pitch, base hit up the middle, tying run scores. Sigh. At least K-Rod didn't lose this game. That "honor" went to Raul Valdes, who gave up the Frankie Knuckles Special, a walk-off grand slam to Adrian Gonzalez.


5. Thank You Sir, May I Have Another? (5/27/11)

The Mets had come from behind against their arch-rivals from Philadelphia at Citi Field, erasing a 2-0 deficit by scoring single runs in the fifth, sixth and seventh innings. They kept that 3-2 lead until the eighth inning, when the Phillies tied it. With the game knotted at 3 going to the ninth inning, Frankie Knuckles was summoned from the bullpen, trying desperately to keep the game tied. He started out fine, retiring Raul Ibañez on a fly ball to center. Then the hits kept coming, and coming, and coming some more. Carlos Ruiz stroked a single. Then Ross Gload picked up a hit. Then Domonic Brown did the same. So did Chase Utley. And Placido Polanco. When all was said and done, the Phillies had scored three runs on five hits off K-Rod. At least there was a bright side to this performance, as K-Rod didn't give up a grand slam.


4. A Gift For Mariano (6/28/09)

In this game, K-Rod did not blow a lead. Rather, he was called upon to keep the game close. The Mets were trailing the Yankees by a run in the ninth inning. However, K-Rod decided to give the gift that keeps on giving, walking Brett Gardner and Derek Jeter after allowing a leadoff single to Jorge Posada. Up came Mariano Rivera, the Yankees' closer who had never driven in a run in his storied major league career. After this at-bat, that was no longer the case, as Frankie Knuckles gave Rivera a free pass, forcing in a run. Mariano went on to record his 500th career save after retiring the Mets in the bottom of the ninth, making K-Rod's gift take on a special meaning.


3. Conrad The Barbarian (6/16/11)

In the most recent addition to the list, the Mets appeared to have registered one of their most spirited wins of the year, erasing a four-run deficit against the Braves to take an 8-6 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning. Terry Collins brought in K-Rod to protect the two-run lead, but he gave up a one-out single to Jason Heyward. Up came pinch-hitter Brooks Conrad, who wasn't exactly tearing it up at the major league level (.205, 1 HR, 5 RBI, 17 strikeouts in 39 at-bats) at the time. Too bad Frankie Knuckles wasn't aware of those numbers, as Conrad launched a game-tying two-run homer off the Mets closer. The Braves went on to win the game in the tenth inning, preventing the Mets from going above .500.


2. Two Hands (6/12/09)

Although this moment ranks at No. 2, it was the lack of that number that caused K-Rod to lose the game, as Luis Castillo failed to use two hands to catch Alex Rodriguez's pop-up on what should have been the final out in a Mets victory. Instead, he dropped the ball, the Yankees scored the tying and winning runs (with Mark Teixeira hustling all the way home from first), and Frankie Knuckles probably pondered using those knuckles on Luis Castillo's head. Speaking of using one's fists...


The No. 1 Infamous Moment For Frankie Knuckles As A Met Is...

What else could it be? It's the one moment that didn't take place on the baseball diamond, but got more coverage than anything K-Rod ever did on the field. On August 11, 2010, Francisco Rodriguez earned the name Frankie Knuckles by assaulting his girlfriend's father in the Mets clubhouse following the Mets' 6-2 loss to the Colorado Rockies. He was arrested and did not play for the Mets again in 2010, as the Papi Punch tore a ligament in K-Rod's thumb. It also bought him an anger management course and began the countdown towards his departure from the Mets, which was made official after this week's All-Star Game.

So long, K-Rod. You can leave your time card behind. We'll remember to punch out for you.