DJ Joey B Presents: A Charlie Samuels Top Ten List

What's up, everyone?  Welcome to the party!  And why exactly are we throwing this party?  I'll tell you why!   This is the 500th Studious Metsimus post!  So throw your hands up in the air and wave them around as if you had no concerns!

For those of you who just crashed the party, allow me to introduce myself.  My handle is DJ Joey B and I'm here to put my spin on things.  Today, I have a special 500th post countdown for you.  If you've been listening to your Mets-related news this week, you might have an idea where this countdown is going.

Yesterday, former Mets' clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels pleaded guilty to the Queens Supreme Court, admitting that he made off with over $2 million worth of team memorabilia.  Samuels will be spared having to take a walk down the blue and orange mile, as he will not have to serve jail time for his crime.  However, as part of his punishment, he will be placed on five years probation.  He will also have to pay a total of $59,000 to the Mets, the city and the state, as well as return his collection of autographed items.  Furthermore, he has been banned for life from Citi Field, joining the tens of thousands of fans who have already decided to do the same thing.

In honor (or dishonor, in this case) of yesterday's verdict, I'd like to count down the top ten items Charlie Samuels would have sold if he was still into that "betraying trust/greed is good" thing.  This top ten pretty much spans every era in Mets history, proving that Samuels was an equal opportunity leech.

So get out your leisure suit and put on those boogie shoes.  I'm not just saying that because Charlie Samuels will try to swipe them to list them on eBay.  I'm saying it because we're ready to count things down!


Top 10 Things Charlie Samuels Would Have Sold... (...if it wasn't kinda sorta illegal for him to do)


10. Casey Stengel decoder ring

Have you ever watched old footage of Casey Stengel?  The "Old Perfessor" proved to be one of the best multi-taskers in club history, as he served as both team manager and team butcher (of the English language).  Therefore, it should come as no surprise that a Casey Stengel decoder ring would fetch quite a haul if it were to be sold.  Fans of the original Mets would scoop it up faster than you can say "Metsie, Metsie, Metsie."


9. Signed contract where M. Donald Grant sold his soul to the devil

In 2004, Cubs fans blew up the Steve Bartman ball in an attempt to change their fortunes.  Mets fans should follow suit by burning the contract signed by M. Donald Grant in which he sold his soul to Beelzebub.  The highest bidder for the parchment would get the opportunity to do just that in the hopes that erasing the name of the man who traded away Tom Seaver and was lurking behind the scenes in the Nolan Ryan deal would finally allow the Mets to record their first no-hitter (both Ryan and Seaver accomplished the feat after leaving New York) and their next Hall of Famer (Seaver is the lone player in Cooperstown wearing a Mets cap on his plaque).


8. Lee Mazzilli's game-used pants (circa 1979)

What woman in the late '70s didn't want to be in Lee Mazzilli's pants?  Unfortunately, those pants were tighter than Fred Wilpon's wallet, making it impossible for anyone other than Maz to fit in them.  Therefore, those pants would go to the woman (or man) with the highest bid.  It goes without saying that the pants would look lovely alongside that person's collection of Scott Baio posters and Leif Garrett albums.


7. Nino Espinosa's afro

Do you remember Nino Espinosa's afro?  Charlie Samuels sure did.  Trying to cash in on the latest craze of televising ballplayers' haircuts, Nino's noggin would be shaved in a televised special, with the Brillo Pad locks being sold to the fan with the deepest pockets and the weirdest fetish in recorded history.


6. Doug Sisk pitching video (on Beta)

Here's a little known fact.  Before Tom Emanski became a household name for his defensive drill videos, Doug Sisk tried to do the same with his pitching video.  Two things got in the way of this becoming a must-have video for all baseball fans.  First, although it was recorded in 1984 (when Sisk was still good), it wasn't released until the spring of 1985 (when Sisk was anything but good).  Second, it was only released on Betamax, not VHS.  As such, it has become a rare item that would net a pretty penny and would make a fine addition to anyone's collection.  (Act now and as a bonus, you'll receive the George Foster-helmed masterpiece, "Get Metsmerized", on vinyl or 8-track.)


5. Bret Saberhagen Clorox commercial

It might only be 30 seconds long, but it's half a minute of heaven.  Bret Saberhagen, who once had a squeaky clean image, was spotted doing a squeaky clean ad for Clorox Bleach soon after signing with the Mets in 1992.  Although bleach became synonymous with Saberhagen later on in his Mets career for other reasons, owning this 30-second video (which we're happy to say is NOT on Beta) will brighten anyone's day.


4. Copy of "The Worst Team Money Could Buy" w/special autograph

It's common knowledge that a book signed by its author will be more valuable than a John Hancock-less book.  But what about a book signed by one of its "characters"?  In what was sure to be a true collector's item, Charlie Samuels was looking to part with a special copy of "The Worst Team Money Could Buy", signed by Bobby Bonilla in Bob Klapisch's blood.  No tour guide should be caught dead without one.


3. Moises Alou's unused toilet paper

Prior to becoming a Met in 2007, Moises Alou admitted that he would pee on his hands to toughen his skin.  Therefore, although his pantry was full of toilet paper, he never had any use for it, choosing to use his "handy wipes" instead.  Unlike other players' memorabilia, Alou gave Samuels full permission to squeeze his Charmin from his pantry.  Samuels added a little color to the unused TP to make it a must-have for any Mets fan, especially the flatulent ones.


2. Jonathon Niese's old nose

After Jonathon Niese took plastic surgery advice from a now-former Met who has a big mole on his face, the lefty's old nose became a hot collector's item.  From Joan Rivers to Toucan Sam, celebrities from New York to Sollywood have inquired about the availability of Niese's old schnoz.  Charlie Samuels was expecting this (which is why he asked that former Met to subtly "suggest" rhinoplasty to Niese) so he could reap the benefits from selling Niese's old honker.


...and the No. 1 piece of memorabilia Charlie Samuels would have sold if it wasn't just a little bit illegal right now is...


1.  Fred Wilpon's Sandy Koufax souvenir cup

It's not a surprise that Fred Wilpon has many collectibles of his high school sweetheart.  His closet is full of Sandy Koufax Brooklyn Dodger jerseys and his night stand and medicine cabinet have their share of Sandy Koufax souvenir cups.  Although Samuels was not able to say whether or not the items were game used, he was certain the only place they were found were in Papa Smirk's night stand and medicine cabinet, right next to his collection of Sandy Koufax Kleenex boxes.

Little Jeffy Wilpon Sticks Foot In Mouth ... Again!

In Thursday's Daily News, Wayne Coffey wrote an article about the progress of the reconfigured fences at Citi Field.  In his article, Coffey discussed how various players and front office personnel agree that the new dimensions will make Citi Field a neutral ballpark instead of one that was geared to eat up long fly balls.  One particular member of the front office chimed in at the end of the article with his own thoughts.

Mets’ non-prodigal son, Jeff Wilpon, was on hand to give the first public tour since Citi Field began experiencing shrinkage.  Little Jeffy, no stranger to the hereditary foot-in-mouth condition passed down to him by his father, gave his two cents on why the moved-in walls will make for a better experience for the dozens of fans in attendance at Citi Field this year.  Given the team’s current financial state, perhaps he should have kept those two cents to himself, especially when these were his words:

“I think fans are going to like (the new dimensions).  People would rather see a 9-7 game than a 2-1 game, for one thing.  And I think players are going to perform better, and they’re going to like that, too.”

So let me get this straight.  Little Jeffy Wilpon believes his customers would rather see a 9-7 game at Citi Field.  Now, I’m assuming he wants the Mets to score the nine runs in this scenario, but since he’s a Wilpon, that assumption can’t always be made.  Therefore, he’s saying that fans want to see Mets pitchers give up seven runs in a ballgame.

For most teams, giving up seven runs in a game means taxing the bullpen (been there, done that), while causing the starting pitchers to lose confidence in their ability.  It also leads to demotions and early promotions to minor leaguers who have no business being called up so soon.

Who wants people to say Johan Santana came off the DL too soon because he allowed a handful of runs in five innings?  How much more of Mike Pelfrey getting shelled can we handle?  If R.A. Dickey starts giving up run after run, will we start seeing #BlameMountKilimanjaro hashtags on Sandy Alderson’s tweets?  No one wants any of that to happen.  Well, almost no one.

Little Jeffy Wilpon would have no problem with any of that because he’s in tune with his fan base and knows we want 9-7 games instead of pitchers’ duels.  Right.  He knows us so well.  In fact, we would have invited our good buddy over for dinner by now but we’re afraid he’d take our silverware home.

This is what Little Jeffy should have said if he didn’t want to stick his foot in his mouth:

“People would rather see us score nine runs instead of two.”

(No mention of how many runs the other team will be scoring.  Perhaps it’s a 9-7 game, but it could also be a complete-game 9-0 shutout.  What fan wouldn’t like the best of both worlds?)

“People would rather see 400-foot bombs land behind the fence and not in opponents’ gloves.” 

(He’d get an “Amen” from the blue and orange congregation who are tired of Jason Bay still chasing Richard Hidalgo on the Mets’ all-time home run list.)

“People would stop asking us to sell the team if we won a few more ballgames.” 

(Okay, that has nothing to do with his 9-7 quote, but at least he wouldn’t be sticking his foot in his mouth with that response.)


The fences at Citi Field will be lower and closer to home plate than they’ve been since the park opened in 2009.  Until the season starts, there’s no way of knowing if this will benefit the Mets or their opponents more.  Jeff Wilpon is counting on the cosmetic changes helping the Mets in both the standings and in ticket sales.  In fact, he’s sure his patrons are going to like it.  After all, he knows exactly what we want.

For his sake, Little Jeffy better be right.  His father has already stuck his own foot in his mouth on multiple occasions.  This is one family tradition that doesn’t need to passed down from one generation to the next.  Isn’t that right, Papa Smirk?