The K-Rod Deal: Who Could The Possible PTBNL Be?

PTBNL. No, it doesn't stand for Perhaps Tim Bogar Needs Listerine. It stands for Player To Be Named Later. There will be two PTBNL coming to New York from Milwaukee in exchange for former Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez.

So who could the two players to be named later be? Sandy Alderson gave no hints in his conference call with members of the media earlier today. Of course, we have some ideas at Studious Metsimus. Who knows? Some of them might actually be right...

Bernie Brewer

The fun-loving Brewers mascot would come to the Mets and set up shop by the Beers of the World stand. While kids are having their pictures taken with Mr. Met, their parents could get a high four from Bernie (since he only has four fingers) and indulge in an adult beverage or three.

Bernie's slide from Milwaukee, which he rides down after every home run hit by the Brewers, would not come with him to Citi Field, as the Mets don't hit home runs there, making the slide nothing but an expensive dust collector.




Bob Eucker

Upon arriving at Citi Field, he’d say "great seats, eh, buddy" like in the old Miller Lite commercials, only to be reminded that his seat has an obstructed view. Then during a pitch, he’d utter "just a bit outside", before being corrected that the pitch hit the batter, to which he’d say "well, with all these obstructions at Citi Field, how can anyone be expected to call a game properly?"




Robin Yount's statue

Since the Mets either haven't thought about it or can’t afford to pay for a statue of Tom Seaver to be erected outside Citi Field, they figured they'd just trade for one and hope that their fans don’t notice the difference.

Of course, if the fans dress up as empty seats during the second half of the season, they probably won't have to worry about it.





Rollie Fingers' mustache

The Mets haven’t had a player with a killer mustache since the '80s when Keith Hernandez’s ‘stache patrolled first base at Shea Stadium. With the team trading away their closer and Brian Wilson’s beard being all the rage among ninth inning specialists, the Mets would give the lip hair to Bobby Parnell to make his 100 MPH fastball look all the more intimidating.

On a related follicle note, the Mets did try to trade Francisco Rodriguez to San Francisco for Brian Wilson’s beard but pulled the trade off the table when the Giants asked for a package of K-Rod, Carlos Beltran and a Shake Shack burger. Was the addition of Beltran the dealbreaker? Not exactly.

The Mets claimed that the state of California already has the In-N-Out Burger chain while New York doesn’t, so they felt the Giants asking for Shake Shack would be an embarrassment of riches.



For now, we'll have to wait and see who the players to be named later will be in the Frankie Rodriguez trade to Milwaukee. Perhaps they'll get a mascot. Perhaps it'll be Mr. Belvedere's sidekick.

Regardless of who the players are, the Mets had to make this trade if they wanted to have any chance of signing Jose Reyes in 2012. With K-Rod's vesting option no longer a concern, the Mets will need plenty of funds to have a chance of keeping Reyes in 2012 and beyond. After all without Reyes, it would take more than Bernie Brewer to bring Mets fans back to Citi Field.

Welcome To The 2011 MLB "Some"-Star Game

Tonight, when you get ready to watch the All-Star Game with your cold drink in hand and bowl of chips about to tip over onto the carpet, you'll probably be taken back to your childhood, when you used to watch players such as Gary Carter, Cal Ripken, Jr., Ozzie Smith and other future Hall of Famers take the field in a matchup of the best baseball players in the majors.

But this year, instead of seeing guys such as Ryan Braun, Felix Hernandez, Mariano Rivera and some guy who just reached a thousand hits for the third time, we'll be treated to the likes of Scott Rolen (.241, 5 HR, 36 RBI), Russell Martin (.220, 10 HR, 36 RBI) and Brandon League (1-4, 3.44 ERA).

In other words, we're not seeing the All-Star Game. Rather, we're seeing the Some-Star Game, where some stars will make courtesy appearances and the rest of the players will need to wear name tags for anyone to recognize them. (Aaron Crow? Jordan Walden? Kevin Correia and his 4.01 ERA and .270 opponents' batting average?)

Things weren't always this way at the Mid-Summer Classic. The 1971 All-Star Game featured nine future Hall of Famers in the outfield alone. No one needed to be introduced to Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, Willie Stargell, Roberto Clemente, Lou Brock, Frank Robinson, Carl Yastrzemski, Al Kaline or Reggie Jackson. They let their résumés speak for themselves. In all, there were 20 future Hall of Famers who played in that All-Star Game, including Rod Carew, Brooks Robinson, Luis Aparicio, Harmon Killebrew, Jim Palmer, Johnny Bench, Willie McCovey, Steve Carlton, Ferguson Jenkins, Juan Marichal, and "The Franchise" himself, Tom Seaver. In addition, both managers (Earl Weaver and Sparky Anderson) were elected to the Hall of Fame.

None of those players called in sick (I'm talking to you, Mariano Rivera). None of the pitchers needed the extra rest because they pitched on the Sunday before the All-Star Game (that's a silly new rule) and none of them were physically or emotionally exhausted (you figure it out).

The fans vote these players into the All-Star Game because they want to see them play on the national stage among their peers. Let's take a random All-Star and change his name so as not to single out any particular player. We'll call him Dirk Jitters. Mr. Jitters received millions of votes from the fans to start for his respective league in the All-Star Game. But Dirk decided he'd rather take the time off and not even bother to show up to the game that he was voted to start in.

That would be similar to Americans voting Barack Obama into the White House, only to have him say "you know what? I think I'm going to stay home and watch the White Sox instead, but thanks for voting."

Unlike some of this year's All-Star crop, including the aforementioned Dirk Jitters (remember, we changed his name to protect the guilty), San Francisco Giants' closer Brian Wilson actually gets it. He's thankful for the opportunity to represent his league and feels other All-Stars should not take this honor for granted, saying:

“I would say that you (should) show up, unless you need these three days to recover. You are representing your team, so it would be good to be here. I don’t know if (it’s an) obligation, but it’s one of your duties as a player, out of respect, knowing that there was a guy that really wanted to be on the All-Star team, and his stats were right there, and he would have loved the chance to be here."

If I wanted to watch a "Some-Star" game, I'd watch a Mets game, because the Mets have "some stars" on the team. But when I tune in to the All-Star game, I expect to see the best players in the major leagues. I don't want to see players no one voted for. I don't want to see players who were replacements for injured players who were replacements for players who would rather be on paid vacation. I want to see the players who will someday join those members of the 1971 All-Star squads in the Hall of Fame.

As fans, we deserve to see the best players participate in the All-Star Game. If only the players could see the same thing.

If Johnny Damon Were Derek Jeter

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog on the Mets to bring you this PSA (pretty solid argument). In case you're that guy in the Geico commercial who lives under a rock, let me announce to you that Derek Jeter collected his 3,000th hit yesterday. He became the second player to reach that milestone by hitting a home run (Wade Boggs was the other) and the second player to collect five hits in the same game (after Craig Biggio accomplished the feat in 2007).

We're not trying to diminish the fact that Jeter got to 3,000 hits. It's a fantastic lifetime achievement and he deserves to be congratulated for it. But there's another player who's approaching the milestone that doesn't get nearly the love and the accolades reserved for a player of Jeter's stature. He's a contemporary of Jeter and has career numbers that are very similar to the Yankee shortstop. So tell me something. Why doesn't Johnny Damon get the respect bestowed upon Derek Jeter?

Whether on the Royals, A's, Red Sox, Yankees, Tigers or Rays, Johnny Damon has been as consistent as they come.

Both Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon made their major league debuts during the 1995 season, with Jeter playing his first game for the Yankees on May 29 and Damon collecting his first at-bat for the Kansas City Royals on August 12. The following season (1996), both became everyday players on their respective teams.

Let's go through their career numbers to compare the two players.

As of July 9, Derek Jeter has 3,003 hits, which include 481 doubles, 62 triples and 237 HR. Johnny Damon has 2,663 hits, racking up 502 doubles, 104 triples and 224 HR.

Derek Jeter has scored 1,727 runs and has driven in 1,159 runs. Johnny Damon has crossed the plate 1,606 times and has 1,088 RBI.

Jeter has also reached base via the walk 972 times, while Damon has drawn 955 bases on balls. However, Jeter has struck out 1,605 times during his career, while Damon has fanned on 1,182 occasions.

In addition, Jeter has stolen 331 bases in 419 attempts (79.0% success rate), while Damon has stolen 392 bases in 493 attempts (79.5% success rate).

Derek Jeter's career batting average, on-base percentage and slugging percentage are .313/.383/.450, respectively, while Johnny Damon holds a career .287/.354/.436 mark in those categories.

Jeter has grounded into 241 double plays in his career, while Damon has been victimized by a twin killing only 91 times.

If you look at the individual regular season numbers, their careers are very similar, with Jeter leading Damon in some categories, Damon leading Jeter in other categories, and the two of them having almost identical numbers in several others. Now let's dissect those same numbers a little differently over their entire careers.

Derek Jeter has scored 100+ runs in 13 different seasons. Johnny Damon has accomplished that feat 10 times, with two other seasons in which he scored 93 and 95 runs. In those two seasons (2007 and 2008), Damon missed 21 games (93 runs in 141 games) and 19 games (95 runs in 143 games).

Jeter has had eight seasons with at least 30 doubles. Damon has 11 such seasons, including nine consecutive years in which he compiled 30 or more doubles (1998-2006).

Derek Jeter has never reached double digits in triples in any season (he hit a career-high nine triples in 1999). Damon has hit at least 10 triples in a season three times, including a league-leading 11 three-base hits in 2002.

Both Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon have hit at least 20 HR in a season three times, and both have career highs of 24 HR in a single season, with Jeter accomplishing his high mark in home runs in 1999 and Damon hitting his career-high in 2006 and again in 2009.

Although Derek Jeter's career-high in RBI is 102, while Damon has never driven in more than 94 runs in a single season, Jeter has surpassed the 80 RBI mark in a season only three times, while Damon has done it four times.

In the patience category, Jeter has walked as many as 60 times in a season eight times. Damon has 11 such seasons. On the opposite extreme, Jeter has struck out at least 99 times in a dozen different campaigns. Why is 99 such an important number? Because Johnny Damon has never struck out that many times in a single season. His career high in strikeouts in 98, accomplished in 2009 as Jeter's teammate with the Yankees.

Johnny Damon beat 'em, then he joined 'em.

Speaking of teammates, let's look at those four years (2006-2009) when Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon shared the same clubhouse in the Bronx. During that time, these were Derek Jeter's numbers, followed by Johnny Damon's stats:

• Derek Jeter: .325 batting average, .394 on-base percentage, .453 slugging percentage, 415 runs scored, 130 doubles, 11 triples, 55 HR, 305 RBI, 90 SB, 249 BB, 377 K.

• Johnny Damon: .285 batting average, .363 on-base percentage, .458 slugging percentage, 410 runs scored, 125 doubles, 15 triples, 77 HR, 296 RBI, 93 SB, 268 BB, 344 K.

Jeter had a favorable edge in batting average and on-base percentage while they were in the same batting order and had a few more runs scored (five), doubles (five) and RBI (nine) than Damon. However, Damon had more triples, home runs, stolen bases and walks than Jeter, while striking out 33 fewer times.

Before you say "so what?", let it be known that during the four years used in the above comparison, Jeter played in 47 more games than Damon (613 for Derek, 576 for Johnny) and had nearly 300 more plate appearances (2,813 for Jeter, 2,525 for Damon), meaning that Damon would more than likely have had far batter cumulative numbers than Jeter during the time they were teammates, and would also have surpassed him in doubles, runs scored and RBI, the three categories Jeter had a slight edge in.

In the two years since they stopped being teammates, Damon has surpassed Jeter in almost every offensive category, including batting average, on-base percentage and doubles, as shown below:

• Derek Jeter: .270 batting average, .337 on-base percentage, .365 slugging percentage, 153 runs scored, 43 doubles, four triples, 13 HR, 91 RBI, 26 SB, 87 BB, 139 K.

• Johnny Damon: .274 batting average, .344 on-base percentage, .412 slugging percentage, 123 runs scored, 51 doubles, nine triples, 17 HR, 92 RBI, 18 SB, 89 BB, 134 K.

Once again, Jeter had more plate appearances in those two seasons (1,056) than Damon (968), so the categories in which Damon trailed Jeter might be much closer if Damon had had the opportunities that Jeter was afforded, and of course, the categories in which Damon already had the edge over Jeter would have a much greater difference.

Derek Jeter has five World Series rings to Johnny Damon's two. Jeter has also been selected to 12 All-Star teams to Damon's two and has finished in the top 20 in the MVP voting nine times to Damon's four. Jeter has accomplished these awards and accolades despite having very similar career numbers to Johnny Damon.

So why doesn't Johnny Damon get the respect he apparently deserves? Derek Jeter has played his entire career in a powerful Yankee lineup. Johnny Damon played from 1995-2000 in Kansas City and played one season in Oakland. Those teams were not exactly known for being offensive juggernauts. Johnny Damon was one of the few bright spots on those teams. (Carlos Beltran was another on those late '90s Royals teams. See, I was able to mention a Mets player after all.)

Yet, despite his success in Kansas City and Oakland, he did not receive any attention at all from a baseball standpoint until he became a self-proclaimed "idiot" in Boston. It was in Boston that he became an All-Star for the first time and it was with Boston that he won his first championship, hitting .467 in the 2004 ALCS and smacking the game-changing grand slam against Derek Jeter's Yankees in the seventh and deciding game.

Johnny Damon will always be a legend in Boston, even if they think he's an idiot for becoming a Yankee.

Derek Jeter is a future Hall-of-Famer, of that there is no doubt. But when the topic of Johnny Damon's Hall of Fame candidacy comes up, all you hear is crickets or an occasional snicker. I'm not saying Johnny Damon is a better player than Derek Jeter. Both players are special in their own way.

But if you consider their entire careers, it would be difficult to say that Johnny Damon pales in comparison to the Yankee captain. Derek Jeter has had fantastic career numbers, both in the regular season and the post-season. But Johnny Damon is not that far behind. By the time both players call it a career, their numbers will be almost identical across the board.

At his current pace, Johnny Damon has a chance to reach the 3,000 hit plateau by the time he's 39 (in two seasons). Ordinarily, that warrants an automatic call to Cooperstown, yet hardly anyone would mention Johnny Damon and Hall of Fame in the same sentence.

Perhaps it's time for the people who have showered their love and respect upon Derek Jeter to take a look at one of his contemporaries. Johnny Damon might not have played his entire career in New York as Jeter has, but he's been as big a star as the Yankees' brightest player since 1995. Whether you agree or disagree with me, it's time to recognize the achievements of Johnny Damon. He's certainly earned it.

Gary, Keith & Ron To Be Replaced (For Two Innings)

The beloved team of Gary Cohen, Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling will be replaced in the SNY booth tonight. Before you start calling for Fred Wilpon's head (save it for the day he fails to open his wallet to re-sign Jose Reyes), let me specify that the SNY crew will only be replaced for two innings. And who will be in the booth for those two innings?

None other than Bob Costas and Al Michaels.

Legendary broadcasters Costas and Michaels will be covering the Mets-Giants game for the MLB Network. Then during the fourth and fifth innings, they will switch with Gary Cohen and Ron Darling (Keith doesn't do games from his hometown) and will provide SNY viewers with the play-by-play and analysis. They will then move over to the San Francisco TV booth and call the game for their local channel in the sixth and seventh innings.

It will be the first time Al Michaels broadcasts a major league baseball game since 1995, as well as the his first pairing with Bob Costas in the booth.

However, some movie enthusiasts might disagree with that last statement. After all, the two did team up in the broadcast booth for several scenes in the movie "BASEketball" (see clip below), where they got, how shall we say this, a little too excited to be working together.



Don't forget to tune in tonight at 10:15PM (8:15PM Mountain Time, in case you live somewhere near South Park, Colorado), as the Mets play the first of three games against the defending World Champion San Francisco Giants at AT&T Park.

With Gary Cohen and Ron Darling passing the SNY baton to Bob Costas and Al Michaels for two innings, you never know what could happen. But you do know that you're going to be fully entertained and informed by two of the greatest sports broadcasters of our generation. That's reason enough to get excited. Right, Mr. Costas?

The Kids Are All Right

This year's Mets team has been a pleasant surprise, going 45-42 with makeshift lineups and a lack of star power. They have performed above everyone's expectations, despite a slow start and injuries to their corner infielders and ace pitcher. The Mets are proving that the best teams aren't always the ones with a roster full of overpaid superstars (see New York Mets, 2007-2010). In fact, sometimes all a team needs is a young group of players with the hunger and desire to succeed.

Daniel Murphy, Jonathon Niese, Dillon Gee, Bobby Parnell, Justin Turner and Ruben Tejada were all supposed to be bit players on the Mets in 2011. Other than Niese, none of the players listed above was guaranteed a spot on the 25-man roster, with some of them opening the season at AAA-Buffalo. But through injuries and Terry Collins' desire to give his young players a chance, all have been instrumental in the team's success over the first half of the season.

Who would have thought that Daniel Murphy and Justin Turner would lead the Mets' infielders in RBI?

Daniel Murphy has kept his average around .300, while collecting his share of extra-base hits and clutch hits. His 17 doubles rank third on the team, while his .350 batting average with runners in scoring position have helped him collect 35 RBI, good for second on the team behind Carlos Beltran.

Jonathon Niese has continued his development from fringe pitcher to top of the rotation starter. He leads the team with 92 strikeouts and is tied for the team lead in wins with eight. Since starting the season slowly with a 1-4 record, Niese has gone 7-3 and has a 2.73 ERA over his last ten starts.

Dillon Gee went from Buffalo to near All-Star. He won his first seven decisions this season and is currently tied for the team lead in wins. His .800 winning percentage is tied for the National League lead with the Braves' Jair Jurrjens, a pitcher Gee defeated in their head-to-head matchup on June 4. He is also the hardest pitcher to hit in the Mets' starting rotation, allowing a .222 batting average to opposing hitters. As a result, the Mets are 11-2 in Gee's 13 starts.

Bobby Parnell has been an on-again, off-again pitcher since making his major league debut in 2008, but since returning from AAA-Buffalo in late May, he has been constantly in "on" mode. Parnell is the owner of a 0.96 ERA over his last 16 appearances and has held opposing hitters to a .200/.241/.218 mark in average, on-base percentage and slugging percentage, respectively, since the beginning of June. He has also become a strikeout machine, averaging 11.0 strikeouts per nine innings, after averaging 7.7 K/9 innings from 2008-2010.

Bobby Parnell, future closer? For now, he's an outstanding set-up man.

It's a fact that no one saw Justin Turner coming, but once he arrived, he made his presence felt, setting Mets rookie records in consecutive games with an RBI and consecutive games reaching base. He has also been the team's best hitter with runners in scoring position, batting .386 in such spots. As a result, he sits just one RBI behind Daniel Murphy for second place on the team despite having only played in 57 games.

Ruben Tejada was supposed to be the kid with the slick glove who wasn't supposed to do much with the bat. But in addition to his fielding prowess, his offense has been a pleasant surprise. In 44 games hitting mostly in the eighth spot in the batting order, Tejada has collected 18 RBI, the result of a .314 batting average with runners in scoring position and a .318 average with men on base. Also, unlike most free-swinging young players, the 21-year-old Tejada has made excellent contact this season, striking out only 25 times.

All of these players have given the Mets significant contributions this season despite lacking the experience that their higher paid colleagues possess. In addition to their mutual success, there is one other important feature shared by all six players. None of them is older than 26 years of age. Therefore, they all stand to have long careers in the major leagues should they continue to build on their achievements.

Hakuna Tejada! He's not "lion" down on the job. He's just playing his game.

There was a time when “the kids” meant Jose Reyes, David Wright and no one else. The team didn’t develop their own players, preferring to sign or trade for 30-something players like Pedro Martinez, Carlos Delgado, Billy Wagner, Orlando “The Dookie” Hernandez, Moises Alou and Luis Castillo, rather than giving their young players a chance. Many of those veteran players performed well at the start of their careers in New York, but broke down long before they played their last games for the Mets.

The 2011 Mets have not lived by this mantra, giving players such as Daniel Murphy, Jonathon Niese, Dillon Gee, Bobby Parnell, Justin Turner and Ruben Tejada the opportunity to succeed at the major league level. Their success has translated into more wins for the Mets and the hope for meaningful games in the second half of the season, something that hasn’t been seen since the Mets moved across the parking lot into Citi Field.

Sure, having veteran leadership is always important, but how can those veterans lead when they can’t withstand the rigors of a 162-game season? The current Mets are better suited to play the entire season and are showing that they deserve to play. Before too long, there will come a day when Murphy, Niese, Gee, et al. are going to be the veterans that the next generation of players will be looking up to for leadership. It’s good to know that the 2011 Mets are getting the on-the-job training that will lead to success for this generation and future generations of Mets players.

The Times They Are A-Changin'

The 2011 Mets have been a far cry from their 2009 and 2010 counterparts, and we're not just talking about their won-loss record. This year's team feels different than the teams that frustrated fans over the past two seasons. Gone are the malcontents who had no business being on the team and replacing them are players who play hard and have fun doing so.

With apologies to Bob Dylan, the times they are a-changin' for the Mets. Here are some examples to show just how much things have turned around for the orange and blue:

The Mets have had more reasons to smile this year than in years past.

Injuries were used as an excuse for the team’s lack of performance over the past few seasons. If the team went on a losing streak, it was always "when we get so-and-so back, the team will get better". That defeatist attitude is no longer evident this year, as injuries to key players (David Wright, Ike Davis, Johan Santana) have been used as motivation for role players to step up their game.

Chemistry last year was affected by the Luis Castillo/Oliver Perez situation, the quick return of Carlos Beltran from his injury, sending Jeff Francoeur (a normally calming influence in the clubhouse) to the bench demanding a trade, and the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em K-Rod incident. This year’s team is a cohesive unit that enjoys playing with each other and has no off-the-field problems with its players. Would last year’s team be doing “the claw” with all their problems? Methinks not.

Last year, the team failed miserably in clutch situations, while this year, it seems like they do their best work after the first two men have been retired in an inning. The Mets currently lead the National League in hits, extra-base hits, on-base percentage and slugging percentage in two-out situations. New York's 167 runs scored with two outs rank second in the league to the Phillies' 168. However, the Phillies have played 88 games, while the Mets have played 87.

In 2009 and 2010, the Mets were a combined 61-101 in road games. Last year, they didn’t win a series on the road against a National League team until they took two out of three at PNC Park against the lowly Pirates in late August. This year, the Mets have the most road victories (26) in the NL and have allowed only two walk-off wins on the road, compared to 12 last season.

As a result of their poor performance in 2009, attendance dropped at Citi Field in 2010, as the luster of the new ballpark faded quicker than the team did in the standings. The team struggled to draw fans early this season, but as the team has gradually improved from month to month, the fans have been coming back. The Mets' have drawn at least 30,000 fans to Citi Field in each of their last eight home games. Prior to that, they had fewer than 30,000 fans in attendance in 23 of their first 33 home dates, including a Citi Field-low paid attendance of 21,015 against the division rival Atlanta Braves on Sunday, June 5.

The Mets might have only two All-Stars, but all 25 players give their best effort to "star" in each game.

From the Mets' performance on the field to the fans' performance at the turnstiles, the atmosphere around the Mets has changed for the better. The disgruntled fanbase from years past is now subscribing to the philosophy of Sandy Alderson and Terry Collins. In other words, the fans are starting to like this team.

Better leadership. Better effort. Better results. The times are indeed a-changin' for the Mets, and for the first time in years, that change is producing positive energy and positive results. Change is good.

Beltran vs. Kobayashi: Wiener War III - For All The Mustard

Two years ago, Carlos Beltran took down Takeru Kobayashi in their initial hot dog eating contest by pulling the hidden bun trick on the legendary competitive eater. Last year, Kobayashi vowed to have his revenge on Beltran. However, Beltran was prepared for Kobayashi's chicanery, which involved using the Phillie Phanatic to shoot hot dogs at him at a high speed. Kobayashi then chose to blame a contract dispute for his failure to appear at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, when in reality, he was just embarrassed that Beltran had found a way to thwart his plans.

This year, the sauerkraut-stained gloves are coming off. This one's for all the mustard. In the most eagerly-anticipated finale to a trilogy since Major League: Back To The Minors, it's time for Wiener War III between Carlos Beltran and Takeru Kobayashi!

Let's get ready to mumble! (Especially if they talk with their mouths full.)

Before we continue, let's fill you in on what the competitors have been up to since last year's Wiener War.

Carlos Beltran has once again become a threat in the middle of the Mets' lineup, leading the team in home runs and RBI. With a diet rich in hot dogs, Beltran is 100% healthy and will get the opportunity to show off his skills in this summer's All-Star Game.

Takeru Kobayashi has not been as fortunate as Carlos Beltran over the past 12 months. When he found out that Sandy Alderson was retooling the bullpen, Kobayashi decided to try out for a middle relief job with the Mets. However, during spring training, the former wiener winner was released before he threw his first pitch. His release was not due to the fact that he couldn't actually pitch, but because fellow relievers complained that their sunflower seeds were constantly missing. Kobayashi was then given a job as a hot dog vendor at Citi Field, but was relieved of his duties on Opening Day for undisclosed reasons.

Both athletes have seen their share of highs and lows during their respective careers, with Beltran currently living the high life and Kobayashi trying to eat hot dogs via satellite. But this year it will be different. Kobayashi will not be allowed anywhere near the stage, thereby allowing Beltran to compete without the possibility of a potential distraction. Instead, Joey Chestnut (see photo, right) will be wolfing down the wieners in Kobayashi's seat.

It's time to begin the Wiener War! Let's go down to Studious Metsimus roving reporter/culinary expert Joey Beartran for the play-by-play.

Joey? Um, Joey, are you there?

Okay, we seem to have a change in plans, as Joey doesn't seem to have his headset on. Wait a minute. What's this? Oh, no.

Apparently, Joey Chestnut has been arguing with the celebrity judges over something. While he was arguing, our own Joey Beartran jumped into Chestnut's seat and is apparently about to compete against Carlos Beltran.

A dozen hot dogs? That's just an appetizer for Joey Beartran.

Well, while you were busy looking at the photo above, we learned that Joey Chestnut had a slight problem with his entrance application. It appeared that his last name had been altered from Chestnut to Beartran, allowing our roving reporter/culinary expert to add competitive eater to his job description.

Chestnut was enraged by this and argued vehemently with the panel of judges, with one judge disagreeing with him, one judge willing to allow him to participate and the celebrity judge too busy to notice. Then again, due to budget constraints, the organizers of the contest also hired the celebrity judge to be the event's official photographer and to handle the official Twitter play-by-play.

That might have been their mistake, as they hired former U.S. Representative from New York, the appropriately-named Anthony Weiner, to be the celebrity judge/photographer/head Tweeter. Apparently, background checks were not included in the event's budget as well.

Celebrity judge Anthony Weiner got a little emotional after his involvement in the Chestnut/Beartran name-switch snafu.

While all this was happening, the contest had already begun, with both Beltran and Beartran chomping away on dozens and dozens of frankfurters. Takeru Kobayashi was doing the same via satellite, hoping to take down the Mets player and the Mets bear. A few minutes later, this reporter was given a tip to watch closely on the monitor broadcasting the feed from the Kobayashi Kamp.

The feed being shown was running on a continuous loop.

Of course, the two non-celebrity judges were arguing amongst themselves over the two Joeys and the celebrity judge was busy apologizing for not being a responsible photographer/Tweeter for the event, so no one else seemed to notice that Kobayashi was not actually eating his hot dogs on live TV.

So where was he? What was he doing? And why would he ever stop eating hot dogs for any reason?

It was at that moment that everything stopped. Carlos Beltran stopped eating. The judges stopped bickering. Even Joey Beartran took a break to burp. What had made this event come to a complete standstill?

Apparently, Carlos Beltran had just been traded.

Even Carlos Beltran appeared to be disgusted that he was traded away at a most inopportune time.

A hush came over the crowd, especially from the Mets fans in attendance. It had been expected that Beltran would be traded to another team at some point this season. But did it have to come during the final Wiener War? And to make matters worse, was he traded to a contending team? Was he going to the American League to be a DH? No, my friends. It was far worse than that.

He was traded to the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks of the Japanese Pacific League.

Of course, this reporter knew something was wrong with the trade immediately after it was announced. Granted, Beltran was traded to a contender, as was widely expected. (Fukuoka was tied for first place with the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters with identical 38-20 records as of last night.) But the Hawks already have three outstanding outfielders in Nobuhiko Matsunaka, Seiichi Uchikawa and Hitoshi Tamura. In fact, centerfielder Uchikawa is currently leading the Pacific League with a .363 batting average. Surely, Beltran was not going to displace him in the outfield.

Not only that, it was never announced who he was being traded for. It was just said that Beltran was traded for a player to be named later, which would have been the first trade in Japanese baseball history for the dreaded PTBNL.

So let's put all the facts together. Beltran is traded to a Japanese baseball team during the hot dog eating contest. Kobayashi (who just happens to be Japanese) is nowhere to be found, with his live satellite feed running on a continuous loop. The team he is traded to has "SoftBank" in its name. Who needs the Scooby Gang when unraveling this mystery was so easy?

Takeru Kobayashi had sabotaged the contest. AGAIN!

Takeru Kobayashi would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling Studious Metsimus kids!

So this is how it all went down. Takeru Kobayashi was on Twitter one night, going through numerous tweets, trying to find out tips on how to finally defeat his nemesis, Carlos Beltran. He came across a particular hashtag that was being repeated as if on a loop. That hashtag was #beltranissoft.

At the same time, Kobayashi noticed the Twitter chatter on the possibilities of Beltran being moved at the trade deadline. So he came up with the plan to have Beltran traded as far away as possible so that he would never win another hot dog challenge again. And since apparently, Beltran was soft, he should be traded to a team where being soft is not only acceptable, it's part of the team name, hence the trade to the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks. The #beltranissoft hashtag being repeated ad nauseum also gave Kobayashi the idea to put his satellite transmission on a continuous loop so that no one would notice the machinations going on behind the mustard curtain.

But how exactly did we find out about Kobayashi's evil plans for world hot dog domination? It looks like our own competitive eater had something to do with it.

Let's hear it for Joey Beartran, whose keen eye (and full stomach) helped expose Kobayashi's plot.

You see, after that first dozen hot dogs, Joey Beartran came down with a bear-sized tummy ache. Apparently, no one had bothered to tell the culinary expert that having a pre-contest appetizer was not the best of plans for someone who was about to enter the Wiener War. By the time Joey had bowed out of the contest, the other Joey (Chestnut) had already decided it was too late to continue pleading his case to the judges in an effort to enter the contest. That left Carlos Beltran as the only competitor left standing, and the Wiener War winner, provided he didn't drop out of the competition.

As Joey Beartran walked away from the stage, he got bored so he decided to watch a little TV while he was waiting for Beltran to finish his last hot dog. Of course, he got frustrated when the TV he was watching kept "skipping". The TV he happened to be watching was the Kobayashi so-called "live" feed and the "skipping" was the repetition of the same hot dog being eaten over and over again. To the naked eye, it appeared as if Kobayashi was eating numerous hot dogs, but to a trained eater's eye such as Joey Beartran's, he noticed the tomfoolery immediately.

It was then that Joey came over to his colleague (yours truly) and reported what he had just witnessed. (Remember that "tip" I mentioned 17 paragraphs ago? That was Joey Beartran saving the day.) Needless to say, the two remaining judges (Anthony Weiner had been relieved of his duties due to excessive tweeting on topics not related to what he was hired for) declared Carlos Beltran the undisputed Wiener War champion of the world and the trade to the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks was rescinded, making Beltran one happy Mustard Belt recipient.

Carlos Beltran relishes the moment as he shows off the Mustard Belt he received for his victory in Wiener War III.

That concludes the final Wiener War between Carlos Beltran and Takeru Kobayashi. Let's give you a happy recap of today's events.

Carlos Beltran remained the undisputed hot dog eating champion of the world, although the term "undisputed" might not be entirely accurate, as disputes were rampant during this year's Wiener War.

Joey Beartran finally had to push food away from him, as his pre-contest appetizer denied him the opportunity to finish the competition. He also was not available for the post-war interview, claiming he had some papers to shred. (Speaking of which, we never did find out what happened to Joey Chestnut's application to enter the competition. Hmm. It makes you wonder...)

Joey Chestnut decided to drown his sorrow at not being allowed to participate in the event by having some Nathan's beer-battered onion rings. And some hot dogs. And some french fries. And some more onion rings. And a burger or two. Or ten.

Anthony Weiner. Who cares? He's just a d*ck in Wiener's clothing.

As for Takeru Kobayashi, as of last check, he was posting bail and working on getting a reality show with the Food Network. There was also a rumor started on Twitter that he was planning to go to Arizona for next week's All-Star Game, but Kobayashi rebuffed the rumor, claiming that he was not attending because fellow countryman Ichiro Suzuki failed to make the All-Star team for the first time in his 11-year major league career. We think his denial had something to do with the restraining order placed on him by Carlos Beltran, who will also be in Arizona as a member of the National League All-Star team.

Well, that does it for this year. We hope all of you have a wonderful Fourth of July, doing everything that makes you proud to be an American (even if it includes stuffing your face with hot dogs). Carlos Beltran is proud. Joey Beartran is proud (and full). And so am I. Have a great holiday, everyone!